Life in General
by Paradigms
Summary: Both Pre and Post OotP Harry thinks about his destiny, his fate, his end, also contains: Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore and: New Chapter: Neville Last Modified: 06.15.05
1. Mirror

Author: AJaKe  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.  
A/N: Don't think about this too much, I was just feeling rather profound. Enjoy, and review if you choose to.  
  
  
I am laying here on my bed, staring up at the chipping paint on the ceiling of this small room. My eyes roam across the room, briefly glancing at the barren walls, they fixate on the bookshelf. The great Classics of Literature are sitting on that musty old shelf. I have read them all. Dickens, Tolstory, Steinbeck, Dumas, and my personal favorite, Orwell. Maybe my aunt thought they would give her golden child some culture, Dudley and culture do not belong in the same sentence. When I first read them, just after I had been allowed to make myself home in this cell, I could tell they had never been read. The pages were still fresh and crisp the edges sharp and straight. Bliss was reached when I read that first line...  
  
"It was the best of times; it was the worst of times..."  
  
The books allowed me to leave this barren place for even just a few hours. Freedom. For just a small amount of time I got to be away from my relatives. The insults, the putdowns, the all around abuse. I was allowed to be someone else, to live in another world, something I'd never get to do in reality. Even now they allow release. Not from my relatives (though that is a plus) but from just me. From my fame, from the admirers, from the weight of the world. Everyone expects we to do well. To excel, to perform, just because of something I did not do.  
  
What would happen if I did not meet up to what the people expect of me? What if I fail, what if I am not the brave one rushing in to save the day.  
  
This is what I have become. I have become the population's White Knight. The Percivale to Dumbledore's Fisher King. Yes, that story is on that shelf too. I will go on a quest to find the Holy Grail, but what is the Grail in my case? The defeat of Voldemort? The elimination of evil? I am expected to do these things because I am Percivale. I will bring prosperity to the barren wasteland that exists now. I will right wrong and triumph over evil. Oh wait, that is Sailor Moon; and yet, it fits so well in my case as well.  
  
Eventually I will die, and another hero will take me place. Just as Percivale's sword shattered and a new upstart came. Is that what is happening now? Will I secede Dumbledore, am I the upstart to HIS Percivale? So many questions asked and no answers are to be given.  
  
I have been thinking about the future lately, if I should live long enough to have one. What will I do after Hogwarts? Quidditch? Work in the Ministry? Work at Hogwarts? What will I do? I wish I had some sort of plan. I do not like things being too spontaneous. I will admit, that it is sometimes best to have a set plan to work from.  
  
My mind is jumping around so much, what will it go to next? Cedric. Dammit. I had been trying since I got back to not think about that. It has been two months and my eyes are even now welling up with tears. Each single tear is one person who has been killed because of me. One, James, 2 Lily, 3 Quirrell, 4....  
The list goes on, and how many lives have been ruined by me, Sirius, Lupin, Cho, the entire Hufflepuff house. They say they do not blame me that it was out of my hands. But you have to listen to what they do not say. They don't say "Voldemort did it; not you" they don't even mention his resurrection. As if it had never happened. They think I am lying, they do not believe me, and distrust creates suspicion. Paranoid aren't I. After this year, I suspect I will be much like Mad Eye Moody: always looking behind me. I might not cause a racket should the dustbins be rattled though. I have to give a small grin at that... Mad Eye Potter. That would be a headline for Rita Skeeter.  
  
What would have happened should I have not taken Hagrid's hand? Not entered into this pre-written destiny. Or as Frost would say, If I had took the road not taken. I miss being normal; not having an entire fan club devoted to me. But, as I am realizing now, I could never be normal. Even if my parents had not died, fate always catches up. My life was planned out even before my parents were born. I have always been told that I am nothing special, a freak, an insignificant little insect in the grand scheme of things. Oh how I wish it were true. Truth of the matter is, is that I am something special, and the future depends on me. My destiny, my problem. But people are always interfering with my destiny. People who should not...Cedric for example. I do not want to accept my destiny. I want to run. Run far, far away. Away from Voldemort, away from the Dursleys. Run and never stop. But one thing I have learned, other that that I can never be normal, is that one can not run forever, no matter how much they try. So I stay and shoulder the burden. Is it me, or did the weight of the world just get a bit heavier? 


	2. I am myself and nothing more

Author: AJaKe A/N: I do not like Ron, I hate him with a fiery passion. I did not intend to do anymore than Harry, but now I feel the need to do some more people. Possibly Draco, Hermione, Snape, Sirius, Peter,... this is meant to be somewhat serious. So please do not flame me if you choose to review.  
  
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Harry. That is what everything boils down to. Harry bloody Potter. Even in my family's own house I can not get away from that damn name. It is always Harry's friend Ron, or Fred and George's brother, or Percy's younger sibling. Never is it just Ron. Ron has no talents to his name. Among the sea of red I am just another ball of flames.  
  
I do not have Hermione's intelligence, I do not have Harry's courage, I do not have Fred and George's sense of humour. I have nothing.  
  
Last year I finally got some of what I was feeling off my chest. "Perfect Potter" indeed. Always has to be the center of attention. Always has to have everything. Even my own family. No one else has noticed but he has taken over my family. Every night at the dinner table, "I wonder how Harry is." "Oh I do hope those muggles are feeding him well." "Poor Harry"  
  
Poor, poor Harry.  
  
Poor perfect Harry.  
  
Not only does he have the money (not even counting his Tri-Wizard Winnings), the fame, the glory, he has Hermione. Oh she was clinging to him like Draco Malfoy to a bottle of hair gel last year. "Here Harry let me help you with this spell, you might need it in the tasks."  
  
None of them know what it is like to be a nothing. No talent, no niche in this world. Oh why did I have to be a Weasley? I am drowning in a sea of Prefects and quidditch stars. I will not be becoming a prefect this year. I can feel it. They only pick two for each year per house. Look who I am up against. Perfect Potter and 'Soon-to-be-Head Girl' Hermione Granger.  
  
I am the lost Weasley. I will have nothing to claim as my own and I will fade away to nothing after Hogwarts. Unless...... yes..... unless..... Perfect Potter..... 


	3. Marionette

Author: AJaKe

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or "I know why the caged bird sings"

A/N: I normally do not add songs into my fics, but this one is so wonderful that I must add it. Enjoy.

The _Amoura _charm is a difficult charm to perform. It requires extreme concentration, and enormous will. If successful the charm will simulate an actual loving feeling to another, whether it be the caster or a random target. It is a modified imperious curse, as the subject is unable to think about any other member of the opposite sex for the duration of the charm. The subject can still think (only somewhat freely) and do normal daily activities, but is unable to have loving affections for any other person. This is why the charm is illegal in most countries including, Great Britain, the United States of.........

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Must be perfect, must be perfect...

Too much riding on this test,

On this quiz,

On this assignment.

Hermione slowly put down her quill and rubbed her eyes, it was 2AM in the morning and she had been working since she got home from King's Cross that afternoon. She looked out her bay window and sighed deeply at the waning moon.

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Why must I be this way? I want to be normal; I want to break rules. Mother and father have most unfortunately instilled in me a feeling that I must be the best. Anything less is unacceptable

Hermione closed the curtains of her bay window and went back to writing.

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Good, better, best.

".... America, Australia, New Zealand, an all the member of the AMC (African Magical Council)..." 

__

90 percents get you no where. You must excel, you must be perfect. A little china doll with no flaws and no personality. Must follow the rules. To deviate from them means your are imperfect.

One roll, two rolls, three rolls of parchment. Never stop, must study. Must be the best.

If you are the best they will love you. Failure only upsets them. Must not fail, must excel.

Hermione sighed a sigh of relief as she added the last sentence to her Charms assignment. She would have to give it to her mother so that she could look it over for stupid mistakes. There usually were a lot.

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So stupid, I should've caught that. 

She usually would go over it herself, hoping to catch most of the mistakes before her mother did, but she didn't care right now. It was late and she had to go to sleep.

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I am a marionette, who is pulling my strings, who is making me move, dance, act? A trophy to be praised yet not know the love of a parent. 

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Almost forgot myself there. I must read, I must study, I must perform. To know all is to be the best. To achieve the most is to be great. To be wanted. To be loved. 

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Never falter, never fail, never complain, never dream. I am safe in this shell, no one teases, and no one rejects. Must be perfect. Mask all, never reveal.... 

Hermione--now changed--pulled back her covers and turned some light music on. Music took her mind off her own thoughts.

"I know why the caged bird sings,

only joy comes from sorrow

she's so rare and beautiful to others

Why don't I just set her free?

So she can fly, fly, fly

Spreading her wings and her song

Let her fly, fly, fly

The whole world to see "

__

Such a wonderful song, thought Hermione as she drifted off to Neverland, _I wonder why they don't play it more often._


	4. Never Look at the Sun

**Author: AJaKe**

**A/N: This is Post-OotP, all the others are Pre-OotP... This one is about Dumbledore, enjoy.**

Last Updated: 28 April 2004__

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_I am sorry Harry, I am sorry for an old man's failures…_

_I tried to do what was best by you, _

_Your first year I told myself you were too young, 2nd year you still had some innocence in your eyes I could not take it away from you, I did not want to be the one to chase it from you forever._

_I see now I was mistaken, by placing you in the hands of the Dursley's I took away and semblance of a childhood you may have had.  I only wish that I could use a time turner to make things right._

_When you look at me I can see what I had never wanted to be seen there, you carry the world on your shoulders and I put it there.  You look at me with mistrust and a tinge of anger.  Yes I had known, I had known all along.  I would like to think that at the end of things you will see what I did was the safest option for you at the time.  Your safety was paramount in my mind; I knew that there were people looking for you still, Death Eaters not yet caught by the Ministry.  I did not want a childhood for you where you would be scared to go outside.  I suppose as it was, you were not let outside often.  I knew about that cupboard and I did nothing._

_I am sorry Harry, for making you endure that childhood that was never a childhood.  You had to grow up far to quickly and I regret this.  Only one other person has seen me cry before, Grindewald, right before I had to kill him.  He and I had both known I had won.  But all the classes, lectures, and teachers in the world cannot prepare you for the actual action of killing a person.  I was not ready to kill, but I had to, we both knew I had to.  So I did.  He had been and still was the first and the last person I have ever had to kill._

_Oh the Dark Lord is gone, let's rejoice!  They forget that your soul is now tarnished, you killed someone.  It does not matter that they were evil in its purest farm, a little piece of your soul was blackened the day you uttered the spell that ended their life.  Not an Avada Kedavra or a Crucio.  It could be a simple Wingardium Leviosa or an Accio said at the right time.  That is all it takes_

_I am sorry Harry; I do not think you know yet what is going to happen to you.  I knew what would happen, no I am not a Seer, I have had to do the same as you, minus a prophecy.  You will be expected to defeat someone, to kill someone.  The public do not see it the same as the person who actually has to kill does...  I can see it in your eyes; you have been brooding on the mere thought of killing someone.  You may hate Draco Malfoy, but not enough to kill him; you may despise Professor Snape, but never enough to kill him.  _

_Love is what is going to save you.  But it is my fault that you don't know what love is.  You grew up not knowing what love was, even though your mother's surrounded you at all times.  You didn't know what love was when Sirius came to your aid in the Ministry; he died to save you, because he loved you.  _

_I am sorry Harry, but even if you do not know what love is, let is be known that people do love you.  I love you as I would my own son, Molly her son, Ron like a brother, Remus like a friend… People love you Harry I only wish you could see that. _

Harry turned away from Hermione to look up at the Head Table.  He was startled to see that Dumbledore was looking straight at him, his blue eyes twinkling incessantly.  Harry was affronted for a moment, _what right did he have, to have twinkling eyes? _ Before realizing what a prat he was being and gave a slight nod before turning back to Hermione and Ron, who were in another argument.  But as soon as he had turned around to his friends, he had to turn back, for Dumbledore had stood up, hands forward to make a speech.

"Welcome back for another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," the Headmaster said, eyes twinkling madly.


	5. Such Great Heights

Author: AJaKe

Summary: Neville, Post-OotP, spoilers for 5th book and below.

Date completed: June 15th 2005

Last Modified: June, 15th,2005

* * *

Neville Longbottom waited patiently as his Gran talked to the receptionist at St. Mungos. It was his birthday and despite repeatedly telling Mrs. Longbottom that visiting his parents on the fourth floor of St. Mungos was not his idea of birthday fun, she had insisted that he should spend at least some of his 16th birthday with the people who had given him life. Neville really couldn't find the heart to disagree after that point had been made.

It wasn't that he was ashamed of his parents, really, he wasn't. It was just, seeing them there, in such a state, it made him feel like less of a wizard. His parents were—are—great people. They were well respected and successful. Alternatively, Neville really wasn't much of anything. He wasn't that great a wizard, he could hardly perform a _Wingardium Leviosa_ correctly, let alone take out Death Eaters like his parents had.

_Ding_

Neville looked up, the lift had arrived, _wonderful._ Mrs. Longbottom, finished berating the receptionist for keeping her waiting, paused briefly before entering the lift.

"Now Neville, I know seeing your parents like this is not easy for you," Neville wondered if she really knew how hard it was, or if she was just trying to be sympathetic. True, it was her son who was insane, but she never really gave any indication that she cared too much about it one way or the other. Neville gave her a sideways glance as they entered the lift. As she pressed the button for _"Floor Four: Spell Damage"_, she continued.

"It is only proper that you visit them, they are your parents, and I think it does you good to see them like this," Mrs. Longbottom stated primly. Neville stared at her, wondering just how exactly seeing his parents walk around and jabber away insanely was good for him, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

"You should be proud, Neville. Frank and Alice were good people; excellent aurors and they loved you very much. They gave up everything for you, and look at how you repay them, by trying to forget about them, by trying to pretend that they don't exist," she continued on for quite a while and Neville found himself very glad that no one else was on the lift with them.

_Ding_

"_Fourth Floor: Spell Damage"_

Neville sighed, he had stopped listening to his Gran after "should be proud", it wasn't anything that he hadn't heard before. She always said that he did not seem to care, he cared. He cared so much that he thought he might explode from the pain and guilt he felt when he saw his parents. He paused as he waited for his Gran to exit the lift. He did love them, and he was proud of them, he just wished that they hadn't sacrificed their sanity to save him. A worthless almost-squib, who couldn't spell his way out from under an invisibility cloak. It wasn't fair.

The hallway to the Janus Thickey Ward seemed almost lonely as he and Mrs. Longbottom started the short trek to the ward where his parents were. He gave a deep sigh as he held open the door for his grandmother.

His parents were awake, Neville was almost disappointed.

"Hello Frank, hello Alice" Mrs. Longbottom said, as if she actually thought his parents would suddenly respond coherently. They, of course, did not. Frank responded by turning in their direction at least, his glazed eyes a visible sign that he had no idea who they were, or who _he _was. Neville bit back another sigh, the only reason he ever came was his mother. She had always seemed a bit more _there_, than his father, and sometimes he hoped that she would one day just give him a glimpse that she knew what was going on, and that she knew who Neville was.

Neville went to grab a chair for he and his Gran, they would be there for at least an hour before Gran would be satisfied enough to let him leave. They talked about trivial things (they, of course, meaning just Neville and Mrs. Longbottom, with the occasional gurgle from Frank or Alice) for the most part, how Neville was doing in school, and about the state of the wizarding world. It was about fifteen minutes until Neville had deduced they would be able to leave when Mrs. Longbottom suddenly stood up.

"I have to go talk to your parent's caregivers about new treatment options," Mrs. Longbottom said, "_Stay here._ And talk some more with your parents, I'll be back soon." And with that, she left.

Neville blinked, _New treatment options! Who does she think she's kidding?_ He shook his head. He would give anything to have his parents here with him, _really_ here with him. But he knew that there was nothing to be done. He found himself wishing this had never happened to him. Why had they come after his family? Why his parents? What was so special about the Longbottom's that they had to curse his parents into insanity?

_Bellatrix Lestrange_, he thought, his eyes narrowing as he watched his mother putter around twisting her hair around her fingers as she unsteadily walked around the ward.

_That bitch_, he had ruined his chance in the Department of Mysteries in June. He had been weak, a nuisance and had broken that prophecy Harry had needed. He was useless. He couldn't help anyone. Not Harry, not his parents, and certainly not himself. He tightened his grip around his new wand, 13"1/4 inches, Oak, with a Gryffin feather core. Sturdy, good for hexes and curses, Ollivander had said.

_Good for hexes and curses_, Neville's eyes widened. Maybe he could do something with himself. He had a new wand suited for him, and he had a goal. The help anyone who couldn't help themselves. Neville Longbottom wouldn't be weak anymore. They had taken his parents from him; he wouldn't let them take anyone else's.

He looked up from where he had been staring at the floor in concentration, and looked right into the eyes of his mother. Neville started, _where had she come from?_ Alice looked into his eyes and pushed something into his hands, for a second Neville thought he might as seen something in her eyes that he hadn't seen before. But he then looked down to see what she had given him, and saw a "Drooble's Best Blowing Gum" wrapper. He looked away quickly, tears pooling in his eyes. He refused to let them fall. _Not this time, and not ever again,_ he decided.

Alice grabbed his head and turned it back around to face her. She stared into his eyes intently. Neville had no idea what she wanted, but he really wished he did. He looked back down at the wrapper, but quickly looked back up again and leaned forward, and gave his mother a hug.

"Thanks mum," he said huskily, and put the wrapper in his pocket. Alice smiled and grinned insanely. She stood back up and continued about the room, twirling her hair incessantly, occasionally stopping and jabbering incoherently before starting back up again. Neville watched her for a few minutes more before glancing at the doors to the ward and seeing his Gran just returning. He quickly stood up and went to his grandmother.

"Well Neville, time to go, I hope you spent some time talking with your parents while I was away," she said, glaring at him slightly, as if doubting he had stayed there the entire time. Neville rolled his eyes as soon as he was certain she wouldn't see. As Mrs. Longbottom pressed the button for the lift to take then back down to the first floor, Neville remembered the goal he had made back with his parents, to help those that couldn't help themselves. With the new goal in mind he mentally made a list of people to contact to help him with his goal. First being one Harry Potter.

_Ding_

On the way down he smiled slightly and whispered very quietly, "thanks mum."

_Ding_

_"Ground Floor: Artifact Accidents and Reception Area"_

Neville walked out, hands in his pockets, staring straight ahead. He shifted his hands slightly and smiled when he felt the distinct sensation of two "Drooble's Best Blowing Gum" wrappers rubbing together.


End file.
